Hawks and Pointers

In order to escape the Blue concert going on at our local stadium, ( I actually asked my kids who Blue were! ) we decided to head in the opposite direction and took ourselves off to the Yorkshire Country Show, being held at Nostell Priory, nr Wakefield.
I must admit, I was grumbling about the £16 entrance fee I had to pay for the four of us, but on hindsight I think we got our money's worth. There was lots of things to do and see including majorettes, dog displays, falconry, showjumping, brass band, horseball display etc but the highlight for me was the Hawks and Pointer presentation. This involved the falconer releasing his hawk to fly and circle in the air thermals 6/700 ft up whilst the setter or pointer flushed out the game, ( in this instance a dummy rabbit. ) then the hawk came swooping down from above at high velocity to catch the lure. Marvellous stuff. There were also plenty of stalls selling anything from aussie hats to overpriced burgers. (£3 .00--ouch!) Kids enjoyed it anyway, especially the KFC on the way home. Little darlings.

3 Days in one

I'm having to do a bit of catch up on the places we've been to over the last few days. Isn't life one mad swirl. Weds- stayed at home waiting for plumber. (exciting isn't it) Thurs- Went to Hardcastle Crags.
This place is an area of natural beauty, " A green oasis " as the guide says, " Home to the hairy backed ant. " And it's not wrong, we walked through some stunning scenery and saw thousands of hairy backed ants. Cute little fellows. ( I'm still itching. ) The place is about one and a half miles north of Hebden Bridge and maintained by the National Trust. Check it out.
Today- Due to it being a Provvi day we stayed local and took the kids to Cannon Hall farm near Cawthorne,Barnsley. If youv'e never been it's a huge park with a museum,a working farm the usual rip-off gift shop and cafe cum tearooms. At £2.95 for adults and £2.50 for children I think it's a bit overpriced for what you get ( 50% goats,20% pigs,rest made up of cows ,horses etc) although this gives you access to the adventure playground. Fine! Don't eat your sarnies down by the lake cos you get innundated with ducks and geese and they aint scared of nothing.
Why does the postman deliver my junk mail to my neighbours house but always delivers the bills correctly?

Non incident on the M62

Well, we finally did it ! We got to Bridlington today at long last. After our previous attempt (see-Incident on the M62) the general consensus was that we would breakdown like before, but we didn't. The car drove like a dream. Mind you, I must admit, every little bump we went over had my buttocks clenching.
Brid itself was, well Brid, but the kids enjoyed it, especially the beach and the trip around the bay on the pirate ship. It was also a scorcher. Weve all come home with a bit of sunburn.
Moantime- Why do juggernauts pull out in front of you into the central lane in order to overtake the wagon in front of it? They can only do, maybe a few miles faster than the other one so it takes them ages to get past.

40 Metres under

Yesterday we went en-masse to the fine historic town of Skipton, gateway to the Yorkshire dales.
We had a very pleasant wander round and then went into the castle. The Civil war enthusiasts were there re-enacting the battle of Marston moor back in the 1600's, all ten of them. The roundheads put up a brave fight but they were finally defeated when the Royalist captain sat on the roundhead leader's stomach. They all got up then,(even the pretend dead ones and went off for their snap.) you aught to have seen how far my little girl jumped when they set off the cannon,priceless.
Today we went to the National Coal Mining museum and I must say, for a free attraction you can't get much better than this one. We were kitted out with helmet's and miners torch and taken 40 metres down to the pit bottom in a cage. We must have been down there a hour and a half whilst the guide, an ex-miner showed us how coal was dug up in victorian times right up to the mechanised way they do it nowadays. I can certainly appreciate what the miners had to put up with just to earn a crust. Not a job I would have liked to do, that's for sure. On the surface , there's the museum itself, pitponies,nature trail,picnic area,train rides, cafe,the inevitable gift shop and a poor sod dressed up in a theme park style miner's costume. She must have been sweltering in that thing. The kid's started trying to avoid her/him but if you went around a corner she'd be there. All in all a five star rating. Go!

Holiday time, Yippee!

I know I've just had four weeks off sick but I'm still taking two weeks holiday from work. I mean. I couldn't enjoy the time I had off because I was an invalid. Well could I?
Anyway, we are not going off anywhere in particular this year due to an overspend on the garden, so we thought that we'd go up to the Yorkshire Dales for a couple of days, only not till the police capture this nutter that's on the run up there for murdering four people just recently. Oh well, just have to try and get to Brid again!

Slug hunting in the garden

I've just been out in the garden with my torch and clothes peg slug-hunting. Well I'm growing a few lettuces, cabbages and runner beans and I want to eat them when they're ready, thats if the slugs dont get there first, hence, slug-hunting. I use the torch to spot them and the clothes peg to pick them up and dispose of them. The slimy little gits! I got four tonight.
Postscript- I had to use a bus the other day to get to the garage to pick my car up. What an experience! I wont go into it ,but public transport will have to be improved before I use it regularly.

Incident on the M62.

After having a particularly knackering week back on the treadmill after a four week absence I decided to take the family to Bridlington for the day.
Everything started off normally, get the kids in the car, get them out again for a final wee. Get the wife in the car, get her out again.....you get the picture!
We set off, up to Ainley top onto the motorway, past Brighouse, past Leeds, past the M1 interchange, past Pontefract when all of a sudden a big bang from the car, lots of juddering noises, steering all over the place. I managed to pull over to the hard shoulder expecting I'd had a blowout on one of my tyres but on inspection they looked fine. I was just about to phone the AA when a police patrol car pulled up behind me. A very nice and pleasant WPC offered to get the AA for me and they arrived within 20mins. Mark the patrolman, towed us off the motorway to get a better look at the car which he diagnosed as having a rear wheelbearing gone. He then towed us all back home, a distance off about 25 miles and left the car at the garage.
Now I know I like to have a moan now and then but these two people were stars today, even my kids were playing breakdowns with their bikes when we got home!
Question- Why is it that I feel more hungry when I leave a Macdonalds restaurant than before I went in? And why do I feel that I've been ripped off when I come out?

And so, back to work.

I've had a good run. Four weeks ago I had an hernia operation and the docs gave me a sick note which ended yesterday. It's been pleasant being off work that length of time apart from three things. 1-The weather's been naff. 2- I've got on the wifes nerves and she mine. 3- Isn't daytime telly a load of s****?
Question- Does anybody win anything on internet competions or am I just wasting my time?

Cleaning Day

My wife declared today a cleaning day. I mean she's always always dusting and vaccing, but today was the sort of clean that disrupts the whole household.
Fortunatley I managed to escape the morning session by going to the supermarket, postponed from yesterday aft due to spending too long a time in Dewsbury.(Yes, I got to watch qualifying.)
I didn't escape the afternoon session though.
"Don't walk on that floor I've just mopped it."
"Don't use the toilet I've put bleach down."
"Don't you dare mess that up now it's tidy."
On and on, I'm well nagged today. Never mind there's always the grand prix to watch on video tonight. Don't tell me the result.
Joke-(From my 7 yr old) What do you do when you see a spaceman?
A--- Park in it man.

Will I, Won't I?

Tomorrow's Saturday. Wifes schedule, which involves me because I'm the driver and the wallet,- a.m, go shopping in Dewsbury market and grab a quick lunch there.,- p.m, go shopping at supermarket for weekly groceries., - evening, spend a boring night visiting relatives.
Now I know I've got a VCR, but will I or won't I get to watch the qualifying session for the British Grand Prix? I'll let you know.
Question- Why do wives who fall asleep in front off the telly, uncannily wake up when you turn it over for the football and say, "What yer doing? I was watching that."

Ka

One of my pet hates at the moment is the disgustingly ugly Ford Ka, or as owners of said car like to call them, kay-hay. I don't want to upset any owners of these abominations but for heavens sake, what on earth possessed you when you bought one of these things. They look like a bald hedgehog on wheels. They must be underpowered, because I always seem to be stuck behind one doing 20 in a 40 zone. And it's not the same one because they all seem to be a different colour, and boy , theres some colours. Another one that comes a close second to the Ka is that Mercedes one that looks like the back end has been chopped off, all bonnet and no boot. Mind you they can shift and there's no problem getting into a tight space. No good for a weekly shop at Morrisons though.
Talking of supermarkets, how come when you swap queues at the usually busy checkouts for a shorter one, the person in front of you always has a credit card that doesn't work and they have to ring the bell to get a supervisor?

Fire engines at the school

I was on the school run today waiting for my 5yr old girl to come out,chatting to the other mothers/fathers when the door burst open and the tide of children burst forth. My little angel looked a lot more excited than usual so I asked her if she was pleased to see her dad.
Freda- "No dad. We've had fire engines at the school today."
Me- "Oh, have you had a fire then?"
Freda- "No dad. There were two of them."
Me- "They just came to visit then?"
Freda- "Yes dad. They had a big ladder."
Me- "Did you climb up it?"
Freda- "No dad, it wasn't safe.They had a pipe."
Me- "Don't you mean a hose?"
Freda- "No dad, they didn,t have a nose they had a pipe with water coming out and it wet Kimberley."
Me- "Didn't it wet you?"
Freda- "No dad, I was stood behind Kimberley."
Do you know something, it's great being a dad.
Today's moan- If you work like mad to get all your chores finished so you can sit down for half an hour why does your wife think you are slacking?

You can't get quicker than a Kwik- Fit fitter

The car had to go and have its handbrake looked at today. It needed it. I sort of guessed something was wrong when I parked on a steep hill, put the handbrake full on and promptly rolled backwards.
Its appointment was for 1pm sharp. I thought I'd get there 5 minutes early just in case the mechanic was waiting eagerley for my carkeys. A big poster on the entrance, proclaiming, "You can't get quicker than a Kwik-Fit fitter." filled me with confidence that I'd probably be home soon. "How long do you think it will take?" I asked. "bout n 'our" the mechanic replied, "Depending."
That last word he uttered conjured up a lot of expense and time in my mind.
"I'll need two new rear tyres I think, as well."
"Right I'll have a look and give you a price," and with that he disappeared into the bowels of Kwik-Fit.
An hour went by during which I'd seen my car go up on the ramp and the back wheels come off, about three fitters stood round it, scratching their heads.One of them vanished for ten minutes and came back carrying bacon butties. All normal then I thought. A bit more intense work around the back of the car and then the head fitter turned around and walked towards me. This is it I thought bracing myself for the bad news.
" I've had a look and there doesn't seem to be much wrong," he said," just a clean up and a readjustment.The tyres will cost £140 fitted, is that alright?"
"Yes, sure," I said, "how much for the brake."
"Oh, I'll do that for nowt." he said.
I was stunned, something for nothing in a garage. Unheard of in my lifetime.Mind you it took another hour and a half to put the brake back together and two new tyres to be fitted.Two and a half hours from start to finish.Like I say, "You can't get quicker than a Kwik-Fit fitter."
Question- Who buys biro's? I've got quite a few but I can't recall ever buying one.Somebody somewhere must be buying them for the rest of the world. I wouldn't mind meeting him/her just to shake their hand and tell them what a good job they are doing!

Wildlife in the garden

The wife and I were quite taken by the tv programme "Britain's going wild" with Bill Oddy and Kate Humble which was on a few weeks ago. So much so that I went a bit daft on one of my passions, woodworking. (Sad aint I.) We now have 2 birdboxes,1 bumble bee box,1 insect nest box and my next project is going to be a nesting box for hedgehogs.
On top of that, we also created a wildlife pond, not a very big one, its made out of a 15" plantpot from Asda, sunk into the ground with some aquatic plants in it. You may mock, but 3 frogs have taken up residence already. Also, we have 2 birdfeeders and a birdtable. At the moment some young blackbirds visit us for the wedges of apple we put out,blue tits (no jokes) come for the peanuts, sparrows with their young, come for the seeds we put out. Other birds we've seen are Jays,Magpies,Collared Doves,Woodpigeon,Robins,Starlings and we woke up one morning to see a Heron stood at the side of the pond.
All this has cost a fortune in time and materials, is it worth it? I think so.
Question-How come you can never get the last half inch of ketchup out of the bottle?

Red House in the rain

My wife decided that the "somewhere nice" (see previous post) that we were to go to, would be Red House at Gomersal. Bugger, I thought, that,s me not watching the BAR team win the French grand prix.
As it happened they didn,t.(Bloody Shumacher!)
Red House is a museum of sorts furnished as it was like in the mid 1800's with a very good,well stocked garden.
"They're having lot's of games on the lawn at Red House," said the wife,"croquet,hoops,diablo,skittles,horseshoes, the kids will love it."
"But it's pouring it down and Jensons on the telly," said I,bravely.
"All you think about is motor-racing," she replied, "get some culture down you for a change."
So ten minutes later we were on the road, with the rain coming down harder.
"They'll not hold it in this." I said.But the silly sods did! Only about ten people turned up, but the organizers gave their all.Have you tried playing croquet on a wet lawn? Granted, a lot of the games had been moved inside, and the kids enjoyed it, also the sun came out a bit later on. But was it worth missing M Shumacher win again? Oh well, there's Euro 2004 final tonight, or is there a romantic comedy on the other side?
Todays question-Does anyone eat the bones in a tin of sardines? You know the horrible backbone that you get tomato sauce all over you when trying to dispose of. Ugh!

Saturday Downs and Ups

Saturday morning and we're down the supermarket. I normally go on Sunday, on my own, but it has been decided by the boss that we will go somewhere nice tomorrow and the shopping must be done today. And worse still, she will accompany me with my two young children in tow. Great, I think, that's an extra £20 on the shopping bill.
When she comes with me it's always the same, " Ooooh look at these Fred, they're on 3 for 2, we'll have some, they are bound to come in." God knows what she wants with three jars of pickled baby gherkins. In another years time, she'll find them in the back of the cupboard, when it's spring cleaning time, pronounce them out of date and chuck them into the bin. Then she'll turn round to me and accuse me of buying junk that nobody eats.
Saturday evening posting this blog with the window open, the fragrance of the night scented stocks wafting in and listening to an open air concert going on just half a mile up the hill. A bit like a local "Last night of the proms." Not bad.
Question- Why do pedestrians at pelican crossings press the wait button then walk across if the roads clear. You get there 2 minutes later in your car, to be stopped by a red light with no-one wanting to cross in sight? Infuriating!

The Provvi Man

Tonight I've been out collecting. Knocking on peoples doors and asking them for money.The reason I've been doing this, is because I'm a Provvi man in my spare time.
Let me explain-
Hard up person rings provident financial services and asks for a cash loan.I toodle on in my capacity as a Provvi man and then proceed to give hard up person money. They sign a form which says I can call on them each week and extract money from their benefit/wage/tobacco tin on the mantlepiece,whatever and I'm happy because I get commission on what I collect,Provident is happy because they get their interest(quite substantial, but don't tell the FSA ), hard up person is happy because they know they can't get a loan from any other source.(banks wont entertain the type of person I deal with).The reality is that you spend half the night knocking on doors to find that hard up person cant pay you because-1.They've not been to the post office to cash their giro, or 2.The expected giro hasn't turned up and they've spent all day down at the social trying to sort it out, or 3.They're having a party and the money has gone on booze, I can go on all night with the excuses I hear but this would take all of today and tomorrow.
Some people will say I'm a loan shark preying on poor underpriviliged people, but the majority of my bad payers have widescreen tv's with Sky, mobile phones, George Forman grills and a nice new motor sitting outside on the drive, none of which I've got (with the exception of a mobile phone, but it is a pay as you go Erikson T50). I've got two jobs and I can't afford any of that stuff.
I'ts a hard life being a Provvi Man.
Question of the day- Why dont Kraft single cheese slices cover a slice of bread properly?.

Junior School Parents Meeting

Tonight was the parent's meeting at the junior school which my lad will be attending for the first time in september.
The meeting was due to start at 7pm sharp.At 7.10pm Mrs Wood( the deputy head ) uttered the words that can strike fear in a man's heart. "I'll try to keep this short," she said "I forgot the football was on."
Have you ever been to a meeting where the person who is trying to keep things short ever succeeds. NEVER!
After half an hour of sliding off the plastic chair ( child size ) she uttered the second bad statement you never want to hear at a meeting, "Any questions."
Why is it that nobody asks questions while she's looking around hopefully saying "Anyone?", and just when you think you've got away with it some doughball in the front row puts their hand up and then the floodgates open up.
Bingo that's the first half you think.
Daily question- Why do meatpaste manufacturers put their products in a weird shaped jar making it impossible to get at the last bit of meatpaste at the bottom.?